Your 5 Step Plan of Action (POA) To Resolve Conflicts and Restore Love

Posted on July 17, 2013 by Maax G

To achieve your Objectives in life, an Effective Plan of Action (POA) is a must, and Marital Objectives is no exception.  To resolve your conflicts, you have to create a POA and make sure you implement your POA. If you do so, you will restore love in your marriage the earliest.

No marriage is free of conflict. That’s because, every couple is made up of two distinctly different people, with different experiences, interests and emotional predispositions. Regardless of the compatibility a couple creates in marriage, a husband and wife will always have somewhat different perspectives, and those differences will create conflict. Conflicts over money, careers, in-laws, sex, child rearing, and a host of other common marital issues are part of the experience of being married

To Save your Marriage, the goal of restoring and sustaining love in marriage is much more important than the goal of resolving conflicts. Ultimately, of course, both goals are important, but make love the highest priority, and reject many popular approaches to conflict resolution because they tend to sacrifice a couple’s love for each other.

If you have seen a marriage counsellor, and have been disappointed with the results, it’s probably because you’ve spent all of your time trying to resolve your marital conflicts instead of restoring your love for each other. Even if you made progress in resolving some of your conflicts, you still may have been unhappy with your marriage. Even when a husband and wife are each other’s best friends, they often divorce when the passion is gone.

Your 5 Step Plan of Action (POA)

1)    Commitment to build your Romance : Problems are not solved by chance, Chance creates problems. So if you want to keep love in your marriage, you must commit yourselves to that purpose.

2)    Identify habits that Destroy Romance: It’s pointless to build romantic love if you persist in habits that undermine your effort. Make a genuine effort to identify the habits of both the spouses that Destroy Romance.

3)    Eliminate the Romance Destroying Habits: Formulate a strategy to eliminate the habits that is destroying the Romance in your marriage. Conflicts should be resolved, by finding a solution that takes the interests and feelings of both spouses into account simultaneously. Once you learn to abandon Anger, Disrespect and Demands, and search for solutions that take the feelings of both of you into account, you will find conflicts much easier to resolve. But even while they are unresolved, you will remain in love with each other until you find a solution.

4)    Identify your emotional needs: Emotional need of both the partners. Spend some time and list out the most important Emotional Needs of both the spouses.  It’s when the most important emotional need are met, your Romantic Love Blossoms.

5)    Learning to meet the Emotional Needs you have identified: Once you have identified your emotional needs, fulfilling them is easy and in your hands. Make sure both husband and wife put in serious effort to meet these needs.

If you can complete these five steps POA, you will have created and implemented your own plan to restore love to your marriage. All you need is the motivation to carry out your own plan.

But if you cannot follow your own program as evidenced by your failure to complete assignments, then, find a therapist who can help motivate you to achieve these goals you have set for yourselves.

In your effort to restore and sustain romantic love, you will discover a new way to resolve your marital conflicts. You will look for solutions that deposit love into both of your Love Banks simultaneously. Solutions that make one of you happy at the other’s expense (win-lose solutions), will not build your love, but rather will cause one spouse to lose love for the other. So you will learn to continue negotiating until you have found solutions that meet with your mutual agreement (win-win solutions).

Sustained romantic love is a litmus test of your care and protection of each other. Care is nothing more than meeting each other’s important emotional needs and protection is accommodating each other’s feelings in what you do each day. Your marriage will be passionate and fulfilling if both you and your spouse create and follow a plan that guarantees care and protection. It’s well worth the effort.

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Marriage Counseling FAQ

Posted on May 15, 2012 by Maax G

 

Marriage counseling is a much better option than divorce. A 1995 report by Consumer Reports showed that 67 percent couples were happy about visiting their marriage counselor. If you have certain misgivings about marriage counseling, answers to some basic questions given below should quell your apprehension.

1. How do I know if I need marriage counseling?

 

If your marriage has hit rock bottom, but you want save the marriage and repair the relationship, you should seek out counseling. If you and your spouse fight constantly, threaten to leave or divorce each other, are thinking of cheating or already did and are dealing with the fall out, or there are substance abuse problems, counseling can help.

2. How is it going to help me?

A marriage counselor will listen to all your problems and offer you valuable advice and solutions to help you save your marriage. It may take the form of structured conversations, mediation, substance abuse treatment, or therapeutic sessions about honesty and communication. You and your spouse will get to the core of the problem in your marriage and learn how to communicate successfully.

3. Can marriage counseling really save my marriage?

It is entirely up to you. Marriage counseling is a form of therapy, and it can be healing, but only if you allow it to be. You will have the path shown to you but whether you want to traverse the path is completely your decision.

4. Who should I approach for marriage counseling?

There are many people you can approach for marriage counseling. There are also these professional marriage counselors that you find, and some spiritual leaders also offer the service. You can turn to family or a friend, but it should be an objective third party, which can be hard for someone related to you or your spouse.

5. Is it an expensive proposition?

Marriage counseling is like a psychiatric therapy session. The expense depends on the severity of the problem and the number of sittings that you need to have with the counselor. Like any other service, some marriage therapists are going to charge more and some are going to charge less.

6. I feel uneasy sharing my marital problems. How can I go to a counselor?

Before you go to a counselor you must make up your mind to communicate totally. There is really no result that you will get if you don’t tell the counselor about the extent of your problem or share the exact details of the problem.

7. Why are there so many divorces when marriage counselors are available?

Marriage counseling does not guarantee that your marriage will be saved. It will educate you about communication and help you get at the root of the disagreements and problems. In the end it is up to you and your spouse to make your marriage work. Moreover, people tend to approach divorce lawyers more than marriage counselors. If it was the other way round, the number of divorces should definitely come down.

8. Can I go to marriage counselor before I get married?

Yes, indeed. It can be a great way to make sure you and your partner are prepared to take the marital plunge. You will receive valuable advice about this new life that you are now looking to start. From physical intimacy to financial management and managing time and space – there are some intrinsic points related to marriage that you can address before you wed.

9. Can I counsel my partner?

Of course you can. In fact, if you take out time to listen to your partner and communicate clearly, you become the best counselor possible.

10. What do I need to do after meeting my marriage counselor?

You need to follow what the counselor asked you to do. This will take courage and honesty but the end result will be fantastic.

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Is Your Marriage In Trouble?

Posted on September 15, 2011 by Maax G

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Marriage Saving Tip – Your Last Option in Saving a Marriage – a Divorce Lawyer

Posted on August 15, 2011 by Maax G

Do you know that the average annual earning of a divorce lawyer in the United States is more than six figures? This is testament to the fact that more and more people are now using divorce lawyers instead of saving a marriage. But ending a marriage by seeking help from a divorce lawyer is the easiest thing to do. What about those vows that you took on your wedding day? If you are facing problems with your marriage, a divorce lawyer should be the last option that you look at.

Saving a marriage takes work and dedication. Some of the primary reasons why marriages fail include financial distress, lack of love and romance, lack of time and space, total or partial lack of communication and lack of understanding. It is possible to face these issues and resolve them through thoughtful and meaningful communication or work with a marriage counselor. Divorce might be the norm, but saving a marriage is always worth the work.

The major contributor to financial distress is lack of organization. Most of us feel crunched for time. This impacts our job and our life. When we feel like there isn’t enough time to do everything that needs to be done, we can feel a loss of control. This can cause anxiety and doubt – Will I lose my job? How will we keep the house? Will my kids get into all sorts of bad habits?

Remember your spouse is your partner. Be honest about your concerns and worries. Your wife or husband can be your best counselor to handling stress and a financial crisis by providing perspective and brainstorming with you about solutions.

Love and romance are all about expressions and adulation. Show your partner that you love and care. Just holding hands or other intimacies can show how much you care. When you remember your partner’s birthday, an anniversary or recognize a special day, love and romance blossom. It is not about how much you spent. What is more important is that you remembered.

Take time out to pamper your partner. Go for dinner dates or take a weekend holiday. Spending time with your loved one alone is important. On the other hand, don’t try and be over possessive. Everyone needs personal space and as understanding partners, it is our duty to give the space to those we love. Showing you care with a card to bouquet is great, flying into a jealous rage is not.

Communicating through words and gestures is a simple but effective way to avoid divorce lawyers. When we listen and empathize with our partners and offer solutions to their problems, we become their counselors and confidantes. And we love to open our heart out to our partner and see them lending that helping hand.

Unfortunately, most don’t seem to understand the value of their own contribution towards saving a marriage and end up paying thousands to divorce lawyers. It’s better to spend the time and energy to at least try saving a marriage, than the money to end one.

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Marriage Saving Tip – What You Need to Know When You go for Marriage Counseling

Posted on August 1, 2011 by Maax G

Some people say that marriage counseling can prevent divorces. Looking at the alarming number of divorces that take place in the country, it is difficult to say so. The fact is that most people don’t even think of marriage counseling before they sign those divorce papers. If your marriage is going through a rocky time, it is a good idea to go for marriage counseling and save your marriage. Here are some things you need to know when you go for marriage counseling.

Marriage counseling is never money wasted. If you have the correct attitude you will definitely benefit from counseling. Even if you cannot save your marriage, you will still have learned some valuable lessons that will serve you well for the future.

Marriage counseling will help you rediscover your partner. Most marriage problems occur when we start thinking only about ourselves. We simply forget that we also need to see the problems from our partner’s point of view. It is about putting ourselves in our partner’s shoes. But it is also important to remember that we need to take off our shoes first to be able to do so. When we have an open mind we tend to listen and think. And this is what marriage counseling will teach us to do.

Many people consider this kind of counseling as a social stigma and that is why they don’t want to go. But it is important to remember that what we are trying to save a marriage and rediscover our love and romance. There is nothing wrong in it.

When you opt for marriage counseling, it does not mean that your marriage is going to be saved. Even if you are going through the divorce proceedings, counseling will help you with the entire process and plan out the divorce in an amicable manner.

Sometimes there isn’t anything that can keep two people together. But in order for marriage counseling to be a viable solution, you need to commit to the process. A marriage counselor is not a magician. They will listen to both of you, offer solutions wherever possible and give you new avenues to explore. Marriage Saving Tip – It is really your mindset that you need to fix so that you are courageous enough to follow the advices and tread those new paths.

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Marriage Saving Tip – Why Premarital Counseling Sessions are a Good Idea

Posted on July 15, 2011 by Maax G

If you are young couple that is engaged and planning to marry soon, you need to know what you are facing. Marriage is tough; otherwise the number of divorces wouldn’t be so high. Premartial counseling can help you and your fiancé deal with issues in your relationship and the stresses of being married.

Marriage is completely different from dating or even living together. The dynamics shift. Premarital counseling can help you and your fiancé even if you’ve been perfectly happy and work well together.

The counselor can help facilitate a conversation about children and financial matters that can be hard to navigate. Do you know how you want to raise your children? Do you want children? What about schooling? Where would you like to be in five years?

We never know what can happen in the future. And there’s no way to prepare for everything. But premarital counseling can raise awareness of the ups and downs of marriage. The first part of a relationship can whizz by when we are still exploring our partners – physically and psychologically. Problems can rise to the surface once the waters have calmed down.

Premarital counseling will help you finding the right ways to keep your marriage going. You will learn how best to communicate, how to share concerns and issues with your partner and learn how to avoid conflicts.

Some of us are also scared of getting married because of the enormous responsibilities that come along with marriages. Premarital counseling also helps us allay those fears and start looking at marriage in a positive and confident manner. Marriage is a sacred relationship and we must be committed towards it. It may turn out that you find you are not ready yet for that step. The soul searching and tough conversations that spring form premarital counseling will be hard, and possibly painful. But so is divorce.

You may have all the confidence in the world; you won’t end up divorced because the two of you are really in love, and always will be. That’s great! But that doesn’t mean you won’t have to work at your marriage. Or perhaps marriage doesn’t faze you because you consider divorce an easy out. If that’s the case, are you sure you should be getting married? Marriage is a big deal, as is divorce. It’s messier than a breakup and shouldn’t be seen as anything but a last resort.

You can see a range of people for premarital counseling – a spiritual leader, therapists or even family members and friends who you trust. What matters is that you are able to share your anticipations and fears and have someone listen to you and give you solutions and advices wherever needed. You can have answers to questions on communication, sexuality, parenting and even finance. It is a wonderful opportunity for you to prepare yourself for that big step in life

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Marriage Saving Tip – How a Couples Retreat Can Help Your Marriage

Posted on July 15, 2011 by Maax G

Quite a few of us have those issues with our marriages. Some of us manage to sort out the issues and some of us don’t. Those of us who don’t manage to sort out the issues end up in divorces. But divorce should always be the last option that you should look at. There are ways to save your marriage if you work hard. One of the ways that you can get your relationship back on the right track is by visiting a couples retreat.

Is it absolutely necessary to go on vacation whenever we want to spend some time with the partner? Of course not. But it’s important to remember that most of us are working couples and the drudgery of work and daily life can wear away the romance in the relationship. A visit to a couples retreat is the perfect way to rejuvenate the relationship and bring back the romance.

You must choose a retreat that is really private. Please remember that you are not going on a vacation where you can frolic on the beach with thousands others. What you are trying to do is save your marriage. Hence, you need a place where you can give your spouse undivided attention – physical as well as mental. When you don’t have too many people around, there’s a greater likelihood that you will only concentrate on your partner. And that undivided attention is something that we all crave– no matter what age is or how long we have been married.

A couples retreat will also help you share more with your partner. You can recollect the happy times you’ve shared.  As you reminisce and talk and share, the chances are that you will remember why you married each other, and return home a happier more connected couple.

There are counseling services that can help save marriages, but you must remember that it is your own attitude that is going to save your marriage.

Take some time out in at a couples retreat to focus on your marriage and your life with your spouse. The quiet and serene places will also rejuvenate you and wipe off all the grime of the daily life.

A marriage is a sacred pact you enter, and its dissolution should not be taken lightly. After all, you married someone you love and hold dear. You owe it yourself, your marriage and your spouse to take it seriously, and try and repair any cracks in the firmament. A couples retreat can be just the time away that enables communication and allows you to rediscover the love of your life.

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Top 5 Best Marriage Advice

Posted on May 15, 2011 by Maax G

Marriage is something you have to work at. It won’t always be easy, and it even might not always be fun. But if you love your spouse and are committed to your marriage, you’ll make it through the rough times. Here’s some marriage advice that can help strengthen your union, prevent fights and help get you to that golden wedding anniversary.

1. Communicate.

The first piece of marriage advice is to communicate! Lack of communication is perhaps the biggest contributor to marriage breakdowns. When we stop communicating with each other, we invariably tend to drift apart. Communication does not only mean spending hours talking with each other. Communication can also be those small gestures, those touches and those words said through the eyes. When we share, we show that we care. So to keep our marriages thriving, we must make communication a priority.

2. Ditch Dishonesty.

The second piece of marriage advice is to ditch dishonesty. Whether it’s dishonesty about finances or extra-marital affairs, or even if you took the trash out, dishonesty can destroy a marriage. You only need to look at the evening news to see what lies can do to a marriage. Learn from Tiger Woods, and be honest with your partner!

3. Keep Romance Alive.

The third piece of marriage advice is to keeping the romance going. The romance needs to be rekindled from time to time to have a successful married life. You can go for a weekend vacation to a secluded retreat, spend a time basking under the sun at a remote beach, or just take your loved one out for a candle-lit dinner. It is about doing something different, and taking the time to remind each other of your special bond.

4. Make Time for Each Other.

The fourth piece of marriage advice is to make time for each other. It’s a hectic, busy world today. And if you let your relationship lip to the bottom of your to-do list, it can become predictable, which can lead to loss of interest in your partner. It’s too easy to devote yourself to your job during the day and into the night, and errands, chores, and kids demand your time when you’re away from the office. But to keep your marriage healthy, you need to spend time with your spouse – more than just the few hours spent asleep. It could simply be having dinner together or watching a program you both enjoy on TV. The important thing is that it’s just you and your partner. It lets your spouse know he or she is important and it will continuously refuel the need that you have for each other.

5. Give Space.

The fifth piece of marriage advice is to make space for each other. It is important to share your life with your spouse, but it is also important to give a bit of space that is so cherished by all people. Everyone needs a place to call their own – even if it’s just a corner of the bedroom. A lack of physical space can be smothering, it’s important to remember that love and marriage are about sharing your love, not losing yourself in love. Give each other space when you need to.

Keeping your marriage ticking happily along isn’t simple, but is a matter of simply Listening, Sharing, Responding and Caring for your spouse Openly, Honestly and Unconditionally. Hopefully this marriage advice will help your marriage!

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How Counseling Can Save Your Marriage

Posted on March 15, 2011 by Maax G

If your marriage is going through a tough time, don’t look at divorce as the only option, especially if there are children involved. As an adult, you will find it easier to cope with a separation but it can be disastrous for your kids. As a conscientious married person, you must do everything in your might to save your marriage – if not for just for yourself then surely for your partner and your kids. Counseling is one great way to save your marriage.

While every marriage is unique, there are some common issues that cause cracks in a marriage. Lack of communication, financial difficulties, lack of space, and too much to do in too little time, are some of the pressures that can invariably break marriages.

When you face one of these above mentioned issues we tend to focus entirely on the problem, rather than looking at solutions. That’s where counseling can help. Counseling can offer a fresh perspective.

Marriage counseling may not be able to help solve financial difficulties, but it can address the behavioral aspects of the problem, like how to deal with the stress and tension constructively instead of combatively.

When you go for counseling, you must go with an open mind. If you are not willing to share, or keep yourself closed off to the advice or perspective suggested, you will do more damage to your marriage. Dealing with such a serious problem as a rocky marriage takes a lot of courage. Courage here means letting your ego go away and focusing more on your partner’s well being, even if it means admitting you’re wrong and offering an apology.

Counseling will give you an objective perspective. It can be hard to accept at times, but the marriage counselor really doesn’t take sides, even if it feels that way. Whether you accept the advice and guidance or not is your choice. If you accept it you are probably giving yourself a great chance of saving your marriage.

Some people sometimes manage to shake themselves up one fine morning and set about resolving their marital problems themselves. But for a majority of the people, counseling is a good way to address the issues straining a marriage and hopefully, save it.

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Saving Marriages With Unconditional Love

Posted on October 15, 2010 by Maax G

In the middle of a session the other day I had a powerful realization. I was asked to think of a relationship I had with something in the last week that in my mind was the ideal relationship, and to think of what it was about that relationship that made it ideal.

A number of people in the group thought of their cars, tool sheds, families, workmates, old friends, even relationships with objects such as their television remote, recliner chair, diamond jewellery or favorite pair of shoes. To each of these people, these things felt comfortable, and simple. The relationships they had with these people or objects was rewarding and easy to maintain.

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When my turn came to identify my ideal relationship, I thought of my dog. My dog has very simple needs, and it is the ultimate ego-boost for me when I get home at night and I am greeted in such an enthusiastic fashion. I don’t know of any others that greet me so enthusiastically night after night. No matter how long I have been away from the house or no matter how my day has been. I call this unconditional love.

So what is unconditional love?

Unconditional love is the type of love that comes without conditions. It is the type of love that you have for your partner when the romantic, hollywood-style love is gone. Once the romantic love is gone you make the transition to “real” love. Real love is love you have for your partner despite the knowledge that they are not perfect. You know your partner has faults. You know your partner is not perfect. You know your partner makes mistakes sometimes, but that’s okay. You still love them. This is unconditional love.

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The same thing applies to you however in looking at your partner’s faults. You acknowledge that you are the same. You have faults. You are not perfect. You know you make mistakes sometimes, but that’s okay. That’s called self-acceptance, and you expect unconditional love to overcome the faults and imperfections that people have.

So what do you get from this then? Should we all go out and get dogs to teach us something about unconditional love? Maybe there is a lesson to be learnt here. We all clutter our lives with trials and tribulations, and there is the temptation to let our issues rule our lives.

But if you are serious about saving your marriage you need to put the clutter to one side and let your unconditional love come through. It is okay to have faults and make mistakes. And love will conquer them all.

Have a think about unconditional love and how you can apply this realization to your relationship.

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